Yes, She Violated the Law…But Won’t Be Charged
Great news! I was recently arrested as a suspect in a local bank robbery, but the local prosecutor announced today that I’ll not be charged. I’m grateful, of course, because it was just a really odd series of coincidences that implicated me in the first place.
It appears that someone stole a car, which was subsequently found in my locked garage, for which I’m the only one with a key.
That car was used in a bank robbery – and was captured on video, license plates and all – in which three people took $117,000 from a local branch bank. During the robbery, bank video shows that one of the robbers (all of whom wore Richard Nixon Halloween masks) cut his hand on the corner of a teller’s cage, and kept wiping the blood on his shirt and pants as he fled the bank. This robber also shot and wounded the bank guard with a very distinctive Sig Sauer 9mm firearm.
The investigators made a big deal of the fact that they found a bloody shirt and pair of pants in my washer, and a Richard Nixon mask, also with blood smears on it, along with a 9mm Sig Sauer .40 caliber Equinox, with a black slide but nickel (chrome-looking) panels along the slide. And yes, it had recently fired one shot, but I’d recently been to the shooting range, which explains that one round fired.
Investigators also found $117,000 in cash, in a bank bag that matches that of the bank robbed, in my garage. I have no idea how it, or the car, go there.
Apparently two of the robbers were caught with pistols and Nixon masks, and they lied to save their own skins and said I was the mastermind behind the whole robbery, but I don’t even know them. Well, yes, I went to college with them, and was roommates with one of them, but that was a long time ago; and besides, they were Republicans and never liked me because I’m a Democrat and probably cooked up this whole thing just to get back at me because they said I stole some money from them way back then.
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Anyway, the Prosecutor today released the information gleaned from the investigation, including the finding of the car, the pistol, the bloody clothes and mask, the money…then said that no charges would be forthcoming against me, but that those other two are going to prison.
Truth, justice and the American way…is this a great country, or what?
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